It would be nice to feel normal again…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. (yeah, I do that sometimes.)

Sometimes, I feel like I am missing out on so much. Like my life, my kids’ lives, are just flying by me. They are growing up so fast and they are getting to that age when they want to do everything…and it always seems like I miss it all. Three years of Monkey playing t-Ball…I can honestly count on my two hands with a couple fingers left over how many of his games I actually made it to see. Now he is in Cub Scouts, and I wonder if I’ll be able to make it to anything he does with that. I would love to get Diva started in dance classes next year, I know she would LOVE it, but I couldn’t ask my husband to cart her around to them all the time…not in addition to everything else he ends up doing because I can’t. He coached the t-ball team for three years, he teaches classes at church on Wednesday nights, he is in the choir, now he takes Monkey to Cub Scouts every week…he does too much, really.

And all because I keep the craziest work schedule around. I rarely work the same days from week to week. I’m sick of working weekends beside people doing the same work I am for much more money than I am getting. I’m tired of being gone from 6am to 8pm three to four days a week and not seeing my kids much when I work. I’m tired of being so freaking exhausted all the time. We can’t really plan trips or vacations because of the way I work. When J. has to drop everything and go out of town for a few days, it completely disrupts life as we know it…if I worked a job with normal hours that wouldn’t be an issue. I’d be able to take my kids to school. I’d be able to pick them up from daycare. MYSELF, every day.

Four years ago, I thought I was going to have a shot at having a somewhat normal life when I took the job at the doctor’s office. I was wrong…I wasn’t happy there and let’s face it, around here I could never make the money in an office that I can in a hospital. But things have changed so much on my floor in the last year…they want us to do so much more but at the same time they are cutting budgets and staff so much that we can barely keep our heads above water most days. I love what I do, otherwise I’d have found another job a year ago when things really went downhill.

I’m not actively looking for a job, but I’ve been keeping my eyes open. A friend (and former coworker) of mine is the new director of Childbirth Education…she asked me last week about teaching some classes. I’m going to sit in on some of her classes next month before I decide to take over. At least that is something different. Today, the case manager for our floor mentioned that she is turning in her resignation soon…she misses patient care, so she is actually coming to our floor full time. I am wondering if that might be something I could look into doing…the hours I want are there for sure.

Who knows? None of this may even pan out. I might just be musing out loud…

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