This marks the third time this month that I have almost forgotten to post something. I am determined to do this NaBloPoMo thing, and it’s in the home stretch…surely I can post something every day for the rest of the month!
Today was, surprise surprise, another bad day at work. I did finally tell my best friend there yesterday afternoon that I had an interview scheduled. It was killing me that I hadn’t told her, but sometimes she slips up and says things she shouldn’t. Today, after a really bad moment of extreme frustration and I had stopped the scream that was rising up and the angry tears that threatened to come twice, I told my other two friends there…the poor friends that have now had to step up and start training to be the doormat charge nurse. I had suddenly decided in that moment that should I get this job, once I am gone, one or both of them will have to take my place. I felt like I didn’t want them to be totally blindsided if and when I turn in my resignation. When I finished telling them about it, both of them just sort of stared at me for a moment, as though what my leaving meant for them was sinking in.
I feel fairly certain that if I don’t get this CM job, I’ll keep looking until I find something else. There will be no more settling for where I am, hoping and praying that if I can only stick it out things will get better. Because the reality is, things are not going to get better. They want us to do much more with much less staff, and it seems like every day there is something new coming down the pipe that we have no apparent say in. This last year has been, to be honest, hell. I come home in a foul mood every night when I get off work. I dread going to work. I’m so jaded about everything there. There are days when I feel like I’m just there for the paycheck…that ain’t good at all. I’m constantly stressed out, exhausted, and generally grumpy.
I don’t like being that way, and nobody else likes me being that way, either.