PUSH

I am starting to feel like life is at something of a standstill.

At this very moment, I don’t know for sure where we’ll be in a month from now. I don’t know where my kids will be going to school in August. I don’t know where I’ll be working (or even if I will be).

I can’t stand this, feeling like we are living in limbo. All of this hanging over my head is driving me crazy. I barely slept last night, and for once, I can’t blame my husband’s snoring, a dog barking, a late afternoon nap, or anything for it. I’d close my eyes, hoping for sleep, only to finally open them again and stare at the clock, over and over again. I tossed and turned so much, I’m amazed that I didn’t keep my husband awake.

He told me this morning to stop researching everything. I’ve spent much of the last two days online, looking at homes in various places, both in the city and in outlying towns. I’ve even looked at rentals, in the event that our house doesn’t sell right away. Last night, I spent hours pouring over city information, school system information…everything. This one town about 20 minutes out of the city was looking really promising, as I had found quite a number of houses in our general price range, even some on the lower end of our range (in case I can’t find a job right away) that looked great. I even read wonderful things about the school system there. But then as I kept digging up more info, I learned that the city has grown so much in the last several years that the property taxes are skyrocketing, the traffic into the city sucks, and the water system is apparently iffy because of all the population growth. Back to freaking square one.

When he finally got up this morning, he found me, once again, researching cities. By then, I had pretty much scrapped the original city we were looking at and moved to another one. So far, the biggest con I have found about this city is that homes are a good bit more expensive and there aren’t many decent rentals available either. Schools are apparently great. That’s as far as I got when he told me to just STOP. He thinks that’s why I’m not sleeping, because my mind is on overdrive with all of this stuff. He could be right.

When we discussed moving to Macon last year, it wasn’t as big a deal as this is. I guess because WE were the ones making that choice, it wasn’t basically being made for us. We had even made a trip up there to look around at homes, and even found a neighborhood we really liked, but then we decided the time wasn’t right and we would just stay put. None of that was nearly as stressing at this is…possibly because that place would be half the distance of what we are looking at now.

I have spent so much time the last few days either in tears, near tears, or praying for some answers about the situation. Because I honestly have no clue what to do right now. Its not that I don’t think we’d be okay if we leave here, because I’m sure we would be. We have obviously made it through much, much worse things than this. We aren’t the first family to face this kind of situation, and we won’t be the last. It’s doable. I know that. I just don’t feel at peace with any of it yet. Maybe that’s because it’s still so up in the air right now. If only I can get a definite answer, I think I could start working towards that.

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