Mom’s Not Fooled: School Nurse Calls and Faked Illnesses

Tuesday morning, barely an hour after school started, our phone rang. I checked the caller ID, and it was my daughter’s school.

Ugh. Nothing good ever comes from a school call when your kid is actually at school.

On that particular day, I was told there there was flu and a GI bug going around the school, and that my daughter had already thrown up. I was then quickly told that children weren’t allowed to come back to school until there was no more vomiting and/or fever over 100.2 without medication for 24 hours. The school nurse said this so fast that I really didn’t catch if she said that MY kid had a fever. It sounded like a well rehearsed speech, one I imagine she’d been giving a lot lately.

I went to the school to pick up my daughter. I asked the nurse if Diva had a fever, since she sure didn’t look sick. Her reply: “Well, she threw up.” Yes, you said that already, but I asked if she had a fever? At which point, she whips out a thermometer and checks my child’s temperature. 97.2. Good to know. Especially since you took my child at her word that she vomited, unwitnessed, and miraculously got NOTHING on her clothes. I happen to know that my daughter is rather messy about this sort of thing. But whatever, I’m already here, so she’ll see you tomorrow!

We get home, and I get my daughter all set up on the couch with her favorite blanket, and THE BUCKET. You know, the hospital pan that so many families keep for, uh, times like these? I let her watch some Disney Jr., and then she plays on the computer for a bit. She reads. She laughs. She grins. I watch.

"Sick" Diva

Never once did she get sick. Never once did she complain of a stomach ache. Never once did her face get flushed or her eyes go glassy like when she runs a fever.

Hmm. Methinks somebody might be a faker.

She asked later on in the day if we were going to have dinner before or after cheer practice. Oh, no, darling girl. If you are too sick to stay at school, you are too sick to attend extracurricular activities. Mama always wins. divider It got me to remembering some of the different “sick” calls we’ve gotten over the years…specifically about Diva. My son’s calls have mostly been legit, because the boy is too afraid he’ll get in trouble for missing classes. But like the Honey Badger, Diva don’t care.

Honey Badger Don't Care

{image credit: Pinterest, via C. Kancler, via Slapcaption.}

Notable school nurse/daycare calls throughout the years (and this is, by no means, a complete list):

  • “Diva made three attempts today to shove a rock up her nose. On the third attempt, she finally managed it, and we can’t get it out.” This set off a string of Diva Nose incidents, involving a myriad of crap that she thought could fit inside her tiny little nose. Rocks, beads, and whatever else she could get her grubby little hands on.
  • “Diva stood up in her desk chair and screamed at the teacher, and then she kicked the teacher in the leg. We can’t do anything with her, and you HAVE to come get her now.” This would be the day she returned to school after being out with pneumonia…and she was having severe ROID RAGE. Naturally, I was at work and JB was out of town…and I frantically had to find someone to go get her.
  • “Diva fell off the merry go round and banged her head. There’s a huge knot and there’s blood and she might have blacked out for a second.” Granted, this wasn’t a time when she was faking or being dramatic, but it was one of the most notable school calls I’ve ever gotten. Again, I was stuck at work, and when I got that call I almost fainted because HELLO? My baby is bleeding from her freaking head. This one was blown way out of proportion, however. Yes, she had a sizeable goose-egg, but there was only a tiny spot of blood, and it quickly became doubtful that she ever blacked out.
  • “Diva ate a blue crayon. Do you want me to call Poison Control?” Uhhhhh…is that what you normally do? She’s eaten crayons before and she seems alright. She’s particularly fond of the blue ones. Here’s my Mother of the Year Award. I’m clearly undeserving…

We’ve had many, many reports of stomach aches, finger aches, and boo boo’s that are a week old but she is somehow suddenly bothered by them during Math class. Most of the time, I ask the nurse to put her on the phone, and in my few minutes of talking to her, I determine the fakeness of her ailment, and more often than not I tell her to go back to class, I love you, Have a good day sweetie! divider I don’t remember ever succeeding at getting out of school when I was a kid. When I was actually sick, then yeah, my mom let me stay home…but if I was already there and I wasn’t dying? Catch the bus home and I’ll see ya there.

  • Have you gotten the dreaded school nurse call and known, or later realized, that your child wasn’t really sick?
  • Have you gotten any particularly interesting school nurse calls?
  • Did you ever fake an illness to get out of school?
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One thought on “Mom’s Not Fooled: School Nurse Calls and Faked Illnesses

  1. Pingback: Friday Favorites: 4/12/13 | A Life So Lovely

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